A Captain Falcon Love Story
by Tyranitar
Summary: Written purely for the memes in the pre-Brawl days of Gamefaqs' Brawl board. Anyways, Captain Falcon meets the love of his life, and for some reason this site ate some of the words towards the end of the story. Oh well, enjoy.


First of all, let me say that I hate myself for writing this. Captain Falcon is one of my favorite Smash Brothers. But I was on GameFaqs' Brawl boards for far too long when this idea came to mind. I'm really sorry if I offend anyone, I don't mean to. Go ahead and flame me, I know I would...Any reviews at all would be nice though.

(Btw to GameFaqs, I'm SammySosa on there and I wrote this.)

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters or other liscensed materials mentioned in this story.

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Captain Falcon was a racecar driver. A very good racecar driver. But sometimes he wondered, what would his life be like if he wouldn't have taken up professional stock car racing as his profession.

Although he was also an extremely accomplished bounty hunter, the Captain sometimes felt that there was just something missing.

He had a punch that could erupt in flames the shape of a phoenix, and a knee so devastating, it could break someone's jaw by hitting them in the foot.

But amidst all this, the Captain was lonely. It was hard being the manliest being in existence but being unable to hold down a steady relationship.

It was not as if he had never tried; he had, many a times. But each and every time, it ended up the same. His manliness was so overbearing, that it caused the women to cease to exist.

The sheer testosterone levels in the Captain were just far too much for the women, for whenever he would hold one close, they would spontaneously combust.

The Captain was a sad, lonely man. Until one day, the Captain was invited to a fighting tournament. There he met the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes upon.

Falcon had to speak to her, let her know of his immense feelings for her. He slowly worked his way over to her.

"Excuse me, but you are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon." He said to her.

Shocked, the young woman frantically began speaking to him in a language he could not understand.

"Ah, French, the language of love." The Captain said to himself, lost in thoughts of passion.

The young woman quickly began to back away from the Captain, fear in her eyes. The Captain pursued her.

"Wait! Don't run! I'm sorry, I know I come on too strong! But it's not my fault! You see, I'm the manliest person alive, I just can't hold in the testosterone!" Falcon said as he Falcon Punched a rather plump, short man wearing overalls and sporting a magnificent mustache into oblivion.

The woman continued to back away from Falcon, but the Captain continued to follow her.

"Please, don't run away from me! You don't understand, I need you! You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met! At least tell me your name! I must know!" begged Captain Falcon.

Reproachfully, the young lady squeaked out something that few could understand or hear.

"Martha, your name is Martha?" asked the Captain to the frightened lass.

She continued to speak in tongues until she ran off the side of the castle they were fighting upon.

Falcon knew that she was the one for him. Later that day, he met with his friends Solid Snake and Ganondorf to discuss his dilemma.

"She's the most beautiful person I've ever met, fellas! I think she's really swell, and darn it, I just have to make her mine!" explained Falcon to his friends. "I've had my heart broken too many times! This time, I know she's the one! She just has to be!"

Snake and Ganondorf looked at their lovestruck compatriot with admiration.

"Captain, I understand completely where you're coming from." Said Snake. "Why, I've had so many women I had to just leave because of duty calls, my heart's an iron shell. So believe me when I say I'll do everything in my power to help you win that young lass' heart!"

"Captain, there's nothing cooler than being loved by someone you like!" reassured Ganondorf. "But if that person tries to…Wait…What I meant to say was…We'll go spy on her and see what she likes!"

Captain Falcon felt much better. "Gee, thanks guys! I don't know what I'd do without friends like you!"

The three manly males gave each other a big group hug, and then parted ways.

Ganondorf and Snake went forth to spy on Martha, while Captain Falcon went to find a nice suit to impress her with.

Ganondorf and Snake followed Martha to a beauty salon, where she talked to the other women in the shop jovially.

"So Snake, what's the plan?" inquired Ganondorf.

"Well, since we can't understand a damn thing she's saying, we'll have to just wait until she leaves and then ask the ladies inside what they know about her." Answered Snake.

"Wow, what a great plan!"

"I know, I thought of it myself."

After what seemed like hours, Martha finally left the beauty salon, and Snake and Ganondorf made their move. They walked into the salon nonchalantly.

"Evenin' ladies." Said Snake coolly. "How's it goi-NOW GANON, WHILE THEIR GUARD IS DOWN!" yelled Snake suddenly, and Ganondorf quickly locked the doors and closed the windows.

"Now, you're going to tell us everything you know about the woman with the blue hair that just left, or I'll be forced to get it the hard way." Said Snake to the women. "And you won't like the hard way."

Half an hour later, the boys had all the information they needed.

"Thanks ladies, glad you could see things our way!" said Snake as he and Ganondorf walked out of the salon.

"Man, those women really know how to make a guy feel pretty!" said Snake to Ganondorf as they walked back to Falcon's house.

"Yeah, I can't believe they knew how to get my hair to look even more fabulous!" said Ganondorf dreamily.

It was nearly five o' clock when Captain Falcon got back from the department store. Ganondorf and Snake were already waiting for him inside his house.

"Falcon, there you are!" said Snake, slightly annoyed. "Do you know how long we've been waiting for you?!"

"Gee guys, I'm awfully sorry! It took me forever to find a suit that would fit my rippling muscles without splitting whenever I moved while wearing it!" answered Falcon sorrily.

"Well…Just don't do it again! Or at least call us first so we don't get worried about you!"

"Alright…So, did you find out anything about her?"

Snake furrowed his brow. "Yes, as a matter of fact, we did." Snake took a sip of warm tea before continuing. "Her favorite color is red, she's an accomplished swordfighter, she's from Japan, her favorite band is the Backstreet Boys, her favorite food is flame-broiled lobster, her drink of choice is Diet Coke, and she thinks the most romantic place in the world is a hotel room on the wrong side of the tracks."

"Wow…" marveled Captain Falcon. "What a woman."

The next week, Snake and Ganondorf trained Falcon to be a perfect gentleman. It was tough, but eventually, they got through it. Now the only problem was getting Martha to go on a date with the Captain.

The boys tried valiantly, but every time they got close Martha would flee in terror. Until one day, they met Martha's friend, Ike, who agreed to convince Martha to go on a date with Falcon.

"I will do what I can, because I cannot stand to see the potential for love slip away because one is too cowardly to accept it. I will get my friend to go out with you, do not fret."

That Tuesday, Falcon got ready for his big date. He wore his special pink helmet to show Martha how much he really loved her. Captain Falcon was escorted to the restaurant by Snake and Ganondorf. When he saw Martha, he almost backed away, but with encouragement from his friends, he went inside.

"G-Good evening, Martha." Said the Captain nervously. "H-How are you doing today?"

Martha began to speak in Japanese again, causing Falcon to become even more nervous.

"U-Um, h-how about we o-order d-dinner now?" said Falcon, and he called the waiter over.

"Welcome to Burger King, where we invite you to have it your way. How may I help you?" said the waiter.

"U-Um…Do you h-have anything on s-special?" questioned Falcon squeakily.

"Um…This is Burger King, sir. We have no specials." replied the employee.

Falcon felt humiliated as Martha glared at him from across their booth.

Falcon thought he couldn't possibly get through the date now.

Then, a small child came up to Falcon and asked him "Mr. Muscley Man, why are you sad? Is it because your girlfriend is so fat?"

A shocked look shot across Martha's face. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Falcon knew he had to do something and do it fast.

So, with all his might, he screamed at the little kid and delivered a Falcon Punch to his parents that was so explosive, it melted the entire Burger King and the surrounding city it was in.

"I'm sorry Martha, that that small child was so insensitive! You're not fat at all! You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known!" said Falcon to Martha, and she immediately ran to him.

There they were, two star-crossed lovers in total bliss.

Then, a young lad sporting green walked into the remains of the restaurant.

"Falcon? Is that you? Said the lad in disbelief.

"Hey there Link! Meet the love of my life, Martha!" said Falcon lovingly.

"…Falcon…" stuttered Link. "That's not Martha…That's Marth…"

Falcon blinked, confused. "…Okay then, so I misunderstood her name…That's no big deal!"

Link stared at Falcon. He was unable to speak. Finally, he was able to stutter out the words "…Falcon…Marth…Is…A…Guy…"

Falcon felt an intense pain in his chest. He suddenly could not breathe.

"W-W-What…" croaked Falcon. "That…That's impossible…"

Link looked on pitifully as Falcon turned his head to Marth.

"Martha…Please…Tell me…Tell me it's not true!"

Marth stared Falcon straight in the eye, and said something in Japanese.

Falcon knew it was true.

How could it be?

How could he, the most manliest male in all the known universes not realize that the girl he loved so dearly was actually a dude?

"Uh…Falcon? Captain?" Link said unsteadily, as he noticed the maniacal look in Captain Falcon's eyes. "Falcon, what are you doing?"

Captain Falcon started to laugh. Like a madman. He had lost it. He started charging up the most explosive punch he could fathom. "FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON…"

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!" screamed Link as he ran out of the building.

Marth could not move. For Falcon was holding him by his head.

"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That was it. The world was gone.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

Captain Falcon woke up in a cold sweat. Was he alive? Was he dead?

"…It…Was just a dream…It was all just a dream…"

Captain Falcon drifted peacefully back to sleep.

"DOUGLAS!!! I KNOW YOU SNUCK OUT LAST NIGHT TO GO TO THAT RUN DMC CONCERT! YOU'RE GROUNDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Falcon realized he was back in his life of despair, he was living with his Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.

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I'm sorry for writing that wretched abomination. I truly am. And once again, sorry if I offended anyone with that story.


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